Every moment of every day is the result of, and the precursor to, choices. We make seemingly unimportant decisions all day long, do I want coffee or tea, should I check Facebook now or later, should I have the salad or the chicken? Mundane. Monotonous. Moth-Eaten.
Yet they are decisions all the same, and a sure sign of the power and control we have over our own lives whether we are willing to accept that truth or not. Then occasionally amidst the coffee-facebook-salads we are faced with a decision that shifts our world.
I started working for Subaru in January 2008. From the very beginning I loved everyone, made some amazing friends, and even met my husband there. The years passed and I switched positions and even dealerships a few times. Twice I left without any hard decision making, especially since I was very pregnant with Damien the last time. I had told my bosses that I would be back again, in less than a year, and we would continue our cycle of me being the Great Roving Employee.
The months came and went in the typical blur of sleep deprivation until July when our world stopped turning. Our middle son who was then 2.5 had a severe regression seemingly overnight and it started a chain of events that changed our lives forever.
I pressed through the endless referrals and appointments that followed, and I made the decision to keep my promise to start working again in September. Patrick had told me that I didn’t need to go back to work, that I could stay home with our sons, but something inside me told me I needed to go. Aside from the healthcare plan that I would receive I felt that I needed to have a life outside of home. At home I was drowning. I was overwhelmed and mourning a child who was stolen from me. His body remained here, but I didn’t know the stranger inside of it.
Working was normal. And I needed that.
September came and so did my first day of work. We were lucky with our caregiver situation but that didn’t make it any easier on Xander. Every day was a two hour struggle to get him ready and into the van, as any transition at all was terrifying for him. Pat and I pushed through it and prayed through the exhaustion every single day that it would get better.
Patrick and I had conversations daily that always ended the same way. I would cry endlessly and he would tell me to stay home. I would remind him that while he makes great money we need my job for the health plan. He would sigh and tell me that we were going to be okay. I always believed him.
Between Xander’s therapies and appointments my time was being spread very thin. I was teetering on the edge of depression and after a particularly bad week with Xander’s health I decided that I couldn’t do it any more. 5 days a week was just too much.
With the support of my bosses they found another position for me in the company. I would only work Monday and Friday and had my own office which helped me to stay focused on my job and not have to listen to people saying inappropriate things. The major bonus was that I could still meet the minimum amount of hours needed to get the health plan.
Only I didn’t.
It was too easy to finish my paperwork fast and get home to my kids. Every day I made that choice, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to hear that I didn’t qualify after my 3 month probationary period.
Pat and I talked again, only it ended differently this time. We agreed that it would be best for me to stay home, but he made me promise that I would find at least one outside interest to keep me healthy and happy and not so stabby. I agreed with him and I put my notice in at work.
Friday was my last day. It was a lot less emotional than my last parting where we had a beautiful edible arrangements delivery. There was no card this time. No well wishes and no hugs or tears, and as I left the dealership unnoticed Friday afternoon I reminded myself that it’s okay.
Honestly I think it was a relief for them to see me go. Nobody knew what to do with the sad withdrawn woman I had become and I can’t say that I blame them.
Today is Monday, the 4th of February. It is my first official day as a stay at home mom. It’s been an alright day. I have scooped both kids up in my arms a few times today just to squeeze them and breathe them in. Things are better now. Not easy by any stretch, but the months of interventions are helping Pat and I to become better parents to Xander and that is making our present bearable and our future brighter.
Forget the healthcare. Forget what people think of my children. Forget about fancy vacations and big spending.
From now on I am making the decision to put my family first, and I haven’t felt this free in a long time.
**********************************************************************************************
I am linking up with Yeah Write this week. You should come by and read the goods! You won’t be sorry.
Oh, and I also feel like I should say that there are still many people from the dealership I will be in touch with, and many who did spend a lot of time with me on my last day. You know who you are!
>
I’m so happy for you and proud of you. You’re absolutely doing the right thing.
Thanks Jessie! Jeeze that’s nice to hear once in a while! You know what? You’re doing a good job with all the things too.
If this is what’s working for you right now, do it with no regrets. If the time comes when it stops working, move forward doing something different with no regrets again. Making the choice to be a stay-at-home mom right now doesn’t mean you won’t ever work again. Or maybe you really won’t. My kids are 13 and 15 and I’m still a stay-at-home mom and I still love every minute of it. OK, well…most minutes of it anyway.
And if you ever need to just talk to a friendly face, drop me a line. Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom can feel pretty isolating but you are NOT alone, dearest.
Thanks Doll! It is isolating. Very much so.
We need to set up a Skype date sometime soon. Sound good? Good.
Dawn, you are doing an amazing job at being the best mother and wife as you can be:) I’m so proud of you. Please, please, please ensure you take some dawn time to get out of the house at least twice a week for at least 2 hours a time. I may have only had a baby for 2 Months, but I’ve worked at home for 2.5 years and it can get very lonely and isolating and depressing. You can’t look after your family if you, yourself is not well (mentally too). but I know your smart and you will take dawn time
ps you rock and I love reading your blog 
Carrie thanks for the AWESOME comment! You almost made me cry!
I will definitely take your advice, and it was one of the conditions of me staying home. Pat is very determined that I get out of the house regularly so I don’t lose myself. I’m looking forward to this whole chapter of my life very much.
You have a job: you are a mom. It’s cliche but true. Trying to be two places at once, especially when there are special circumstances going on at home, is just impossible. And definitely not worth the money.
Oh I agree. I just want to make sure you don’t forget About Dawn.
Thanks for stopping by winopants!
I have so many mom friends who are amazing at doing both. They can rock their careers and come home and take great care of their kids. I admire them because I am NOT that kind of mom!
But you know, at least I can say that I tried my best. That was important to me.
You and pat have a great marriage. And congrats on being home. Sounds like the right arrangement for now.
I totally hit the jackpot when I convinced him to marry me. He’s amazing.
And a sucker for candy which is surprisingly all it took to get him to marry me. Haha!
I think it is definitely the right thing for now. We will see how things go as the kids get older.
This is my first time here. An amazing first post to read! Even though it was in a way quite nonchalant and pragmatic about the facts and events, I really felt emotional by the end. I wish you all the best in your new “role”.
Aw Jade, thank you so much! That is exactly what I was hoping to accomplish and am glad it worked for you.
Jade-
Thanks for putting this into words for me. I couldn’t articulate the juxtaposition of matter-of-fact recall of events vs. very emotional decision.
Staying at home is rewarding but also harder than the office job, IMO. But sounds like the best thing for you guys. Love how supportive Patrick is – definitely have at least one activity just for you. You’ll do great! Cheers to you from another professional turned Real Housewife
Thanks Stacie! We should have our own show! Real bloggers of uh, of North America? Haha!
Pat is super awesome. I couldn’t ask for a better husband.
Patrick sounds like a great guy. And I love that he made you promise to have one interest outside the home.
Thanks Bee! He really is a keeper.
He’s smart and he laughed when he read that I wrote “stabby”. Haha. He knows my temperament well!
Thanks for the touching reminder that we are indeed in charge of our lives – we DO get to make our own decisions. I especially enjoyed your final line: “From now on I am making the decision to put my family first, and I haven’t felt this free in a long time.” That says it all. . .
Thanks Jared!
I always say that we may not have control over everything that happens in our lives but we sure as hell can control how it affects us.
I am glad that you enjoyed it, and I really appreciate your comment.
Thanks!
No one can decide for your family what is best for you. It sounds like you have no regrets with the decision you made, and you’ve clearly put in the time with plan ‘a’ to know it doesn’t work. Whatever doubts that may pop up, just put them in a bubble, and blow them away. (One of the PTs I work with always says that when things get stressful
)
That is awesome! Just put it in a bubble and blow it away! I love it.
Thanks, TriGirl!
You are so strong and so amazing. Congratulations on making a really hard decision. Sounds like you are doing what is absolutely best for your family, and for you. So glad that you are feeling free.
Aw Samantha! Thanks!
I feel really great about everything and it’s an amazing feeling.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be but you’ve captured your struggle so well. Sounds like you have a very supportive husband and you are making the decision that is best for your family. Both working and not working have their challenges (I’ve done both too), but as long as you protect a little time for yourself (like you mentioned you are planning too) you’ll be alright!
Thank you so much for the sweet words, Kim.
I really appreciate your awesome outlook.
oh man! such a struggle. i’m glad you’re home, at least for now. i think you made a good choice. but always make sure you take care of you.
Thank you Mama. I will definitely take care of myself.
First visit to your blog on your first day as a stay at home mom! Today was an ok day – some will be great and some will be trying, but you’ll never regret putting your family first.
Congratulations on putting your family first. Great piece.
Good luck with your new venture. I really liked the opening of this post, how you made it relatable to everyone and then shared your own unique experience. Blessings to you and your family.
Hugs and prayers for Xander!
I got a part time job in Oct and my son went to daycare. His speech regressed and he came home covered in his own bite marks. I was distraught and called work. They said if I quit, I would have to work until a replacement was found. I was a replacement and it took them two months to get me. The holidays were coming so they said it could take till March. And I would break my contract and never ever work in my field again. I was ready to do it but my contract ends in May anyways. I am sticking it through, lining my son up for speech evals, and switched day cares where now he just cries all day. Just. I feel bad but at least he is no longer injuring himself. And May will be here soon. I pray we can swing finances so when my 2nd comes in July I can stay at home. I love working. Love love love it. But family comes first, if we can afford it.
So I know your scenario is more severe than mine. But I am saying you are not alone in your struggles and even if mine pales in comparison (which it does) you can do it, you have friends and family praying for you. And I will send an extra prayer your family’s way tonight.
Gem, your story brought tears to my eyes.
I am so sorry that your situation is so complicated! Your poor boy!! Oh I am so incredibly upset FOR you. Xander self injures too, and I swear that there is nothing worse.
I am going to be rooting for you, and I am so very excited for when your time comes to stay home. I hope that you can make it work, in whatever way that means for your family!
xo
You guys are really going through a tough time and I’m glad you’ve found a decision that works for you. Closure can be a beautiful thing. As June Cleaver-ish as it may sound (and thus off-putting if you’re a knee-jerk anti-Cleaver-ite like me), family first is really what it’s all about. Hang in there, Mama!
Wow, what an incredibly open, honest and heart-wrenching story. This is the first time I’ve read your blog (thanks, yeahwrite.me!), but I feel as if I know you already. Congratulations on the tough decision you had to make and the peace you now feel.
My boss and mentor once told me the secret to having it all is realizing you can’t have it all at the same time. As women, we need to prioritize and choose what is most important to us at that point in time and it’s our decision and no one else can fully know (or judge) what that is.
Best of luck in this new phase of your life!
Good for you Dawn! Sometimes making decisions can just be so difficult. I hope this is a beginning of good things to come.
You can do amazing things, anywhere. Even at home!
Oh, beautiful Dawn, you can do this. Making hard choices is part of being a parent, no ifs ands or buts about it. You’re doing a great job, mama, and don’t ever forget it!
oh girlie, i’m SO glad you’ve got this opportunity to do so, and i’m so glad you feel so good about it!!
you’re am amazing woman and mom!
Life choices are difficult and when children are involved they are that much harder. Wishing you joy and peace in your new venture.
This was such a beautiful post. God bless you and your family.
Congratulations on making a decision that is, without a doubt, the best one for you and your family. Everyday decisions are hard enough. Many people avoid making decisions at all out of fear, but you did not. Best of luck in this new direction.
It sounds like it was a tough choice but in the end an easy decision. I have a teen and young adult and sometimes the pressure of working and homemaking wear me down. I don’t think I could have managed when my own were young and that’s without the extra appointments and activities that are no doubt a huge part of your life. Your husband sounds like a very supportive man.
It sounds like it was a hard decision, but the right one.
Good for you…enjoy your time at home:)
Good for you, Dawn! I’m happy for you and your family. And who knows. . . maybe you’ll have a little more time for blogging?
Congratulations, Dawn! I understand what a tough choice it is to stay home. You are blessed to have such a supportive, loving hubby. Major props to him for knowing you need an outside interest to stay sane. He’s a keeper.
Oh, how my heart breaks for you! Good luck with everything!
I wish you the best. You made a good choice to do what you feel is best for you and your family. It’s so important not to lose yourself and it’s so great that your husband understands that and supports you in that.