As a follow up of sorts to my post on what I don’t want you to say to me, I thought it might be fun (and therapeutic) for me to make a list of things I wish I was brave enough to say when people make ridiculous comments.
I used to be a real spit fire, and I still have the tendency to take very little crap from people, but I am definitely a lot more mellow now. Maybe because I am comfortably in my 30’s, maybe because I always have a herd of children around me I need to set a good example for, or maybe it’s because I just feel so damn defeated all the time. Either way I rarely say exactly what is on my mind…..
until I started this blog.
Thank you internet for giving me a platform to share my humble little words on.
Now on to the list! I’m not going to apologize for the swear words, but I will warn you… there are swear words! I should also say that these are all written in good fun and I would never intentionally offend anyone. Just like my other list, these answers would be reserved for people who ask questions with venom in their voice. Tone is everything.
10. “If your child can’t behave in public, maybe you should leave them home!”
You know stranger I’ve never seen before and who smells faintly of cheese, you’re right. Here’s my grocery list, the dry cleaning and our prescriptions to be filled. Thanks for the offer!
9. “Isn’t he a little too old to be in a stroller?”
Looks like someone ate a whole bowl of bitch for breakfast! Aren’t you a little too old to make rude remarks and judge little kids?
8. “Children like that shouldn’t be at a restaurant like this.”
Oh I’m sorry that you find it offensive when my child acts like a child. Let us cancel our planned-months-in-advance dinner so that you can enjoy your platter of wah-burgers and french cries. May I suggest you wash it down with a hot steamy mug of shut the f*ck up?
7. “You shouldn’t let your child wear pajamas out of the house.”
He will only wear things that are orange, so I’m in a bit of a bind lately. I don’t expect someone as high society as you to understand, what with your Wal-Mart couture clothing and all, but cut me some slack. Or I’ll cut your tires.
6. “Why do you let him eat pizza so much?”
Why do you smoke? Why do you eat MacDonald’s? Why do you ask stupid questions? My answer is that pizza is better than stickers, which happen to be his second favorite meal. What are your answers?
5. “Is he always this *awkward pause* you know… way?”
Uh yeah. Xander is very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of kid. He is always this honest and brilliant, innocent and beautiful… that is what you meant, right?
4. “If grocery shopping is so hard, why don’t you make him sit in the cart/stroller/mei tai?”
Maybe you should try nailing jell-o to a tree. Or driving with brakes on. Or forming a sentence that doesn’t make you look like a colossal asshole. One does not simply make Xander do something.
3. “Why is he staring at the lights/sucking on his shirt/covering his ears?”
He has an allergy to judgmental shmucks. They make him break out in stims. Just kidding! It’s because your attitude really f*cking sucks.
2. “But he can speak! He can’t have Autism.”
Oh my God! Really? Holy shit! I better call his early intervention worker, occupational therapist, pediatricians, speech pathologist, and the autism assessment clinic! Someone needs to tell them that they have been misdiagnosing these kids!! OH THE HORRORS!!
1. “My kids would never do that!” or “All he needs is some discipline.” or “Maybe you should try ________.”.
How did you ever find the time to get your doctorate in medicine and in ignorance? Also, sorry to hear about your son’s drug addiction and your impending divorce. Totally don’t know how that happened.